pondering....

I find myself asking God....if it's your will, Lord (AND PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE!), that I remain single....then why on earth did you create within me this deep-seeded desire to have a loving, caring, giving, sharing relationship with the man you created for me?  Why did you create me to be this way, to feel this way if it's going to go unfulfilled?  That part of me feels so empty....so....unaccomplished...so...restless....so....so.....so.....so what?  What?  What is this that I feel?  I seek Your face constantly, Lord.  I ask for You to light my path (which, admittedly, I stray from from time to time).  I try to live according to Your will.  I'm not searching, but just keeping my eyes open & not ignoring chances to reach out to others.  So....why....do I feel as though part of me is shriveling up & dying?  I'm not having a pity party here, Father.  I'm forever grateful for the blessings I have.  I am!  And I'm taking care of those things.  But there just feels within me, deep within me, that something is so incredibly MISSING.  And the bewilderment I experience is overpowering along with that.  You truly confound me.  I don't even hope to ever understand why I'm living all this.  I'm sick & tired of learning experiences.  I just don't want to face this life alone, Lord.  Can you help me out here, Lord?  Can you just squelch this desire?  Oh, ok, yeah, just hose it down 'til it's like a drowned rat would be pretty cool!  I can ignore it 'til the cows come home.  But it doesn't change the fact that it's there.  That it still feels empty!  Ya know what worries me most, Lord?  That if, IF, IF, IF you ever bring the man of my dreams into my life, I'm going to have shut down so much that I won't even recognize it.  Because I just feel that coming....deep inside. And the truth?  I don't like feeling this way.  Today's one of those days that I'm clinging to Jeremiah 29:11.  So, I'll just go out & work in the yard again this afternoon....grumble, grumble....alone...grumble, grumble...

but Lord?

thank you!  Thank you that I have a yard to go out & work in when there are so many in this world who don't have one, or who only wish that they physically could, but can't.

I'm blessed, Lord.  I know it.  Forgive my ranting, whoa is me.  But .... just turn that hose my way, would ya?

I love you!

Waiting.....with hope (like the name of my blog)

I'm learning so incredibly much about myself in this waiting period.  I read recently on two new blogging buddies' posts about waiting.  You'll find one here , read "When promise seems lost and you're sick of waiting".  What struck me most in this is "Waiting stretches faith and tests our human condition." and "Unable to see the path before us, because if we saw then trust would be irrelevant" followed by "How do we follow promist to it's appointed time?" 

And the other here read "When God Is Silent".  What got me here was, "nothing prepares us for His silence" and especially Edith Hamilton's quote: "Faith is not faith until it's all you're holding onto."


We rush to try to make or create love because our hearts are lonely and we long to be held and loved and cherished.  When we don't get the right person, or even a decent person for that matter, do we settle for less; do we lower our standards; or worse yet, do we then compromise our values, our principles, our beliefs, or our "selves" in order to please someone else to find us appealing and lovable?  The problem with that is that we become someone other than who we really are.  We suppress our true self.  If we do this, we then become who the other person wants us to be...what they are looking for. 

I don't know about you, but if someone can't, doesn't, or won't love me and accept me for "me", the true me, they don't deserve me.  Cause I'm pretty dang special!  I view myself as a wonderfully intriguing, beautifully wrapped gift that God has placed on the highest shelf.  Only the man who is interested, intrigued, curious enough will do the work to delicately take the box off the shelf and gingerly, patiently unwrap it with awestruck wonder.  He will peel away all the layers; those defensive wall that have built up from years of hurt (that, admittedly, I've tried to break down with God's help...but hey....I am human!)

I'm holding out for that man.  The one who wants to discover the facets of who God created this creature, Merana, to be.  And that takes time....careful, prayerful consideration.  Not tear open the package & say "Well, looky here what I found."

We are a treasure....each of us....brought forth by the Master creator!  It's time to start thinking of ourselves as such!

here's.....here's a couple

Men can be so incredibly transparent.  Well....I suppose we all can be, huh?  

So, let me introduce "Clark".  Got a lovely e-mail from him telling me about himself...more than is disclosed in his profile.  Seems he has experienced a lot of loss in his life:  parents at a young age, the uncle that raised him died when he was 27, and his wife died 6 years ago.  He's lived in the US for awhile & transferred local to me from TX.  I e-mailed back that I was sorry he's experienced all that loss, and inquired about him living here in the US from Ireland, etc., etc.  Ya know, pleasant conversation to get to know him.  His reply back, "Please let me know if you have yahoo messenger."  That was it!  I replied back that I only have it on my home computer, which I rarely use.  His response:  "What is your screen name and the best time we can chat? Please do not forget to send me some pictures of yourself."  Ok, so after the ensuing laughter & rolling of the eyes, I realize this is a P-L-A-Y-E-R!  Do not forget to send me some pictures?  Hello?  Look at my profile!  That's all you'll ever be seeing of this girl!  Idiot!

Before that we have "Keebler".  We've been talking for over a month now.  We were supposed to meet a few weeks ago, but he woke up sick that day.  Of course, I didn't quite appreciate that he waited 'til 3 hours before we were suppose to meet to call it off, but gave him the benefit of the doubt.  Then about 1.5 wks ago, as we're talking, it became apparent that he had issues with his mother.  Then later in the conversation it was obvious he has issues with one of his sisters too.  And let's not forget to mention issues with his ex-wife.  In short, it was obvious ....he's just got issues!  Then he called to see if we were still going to meet this past weekend.  I told him I had to beg off this time (remember, he begged off the previous time!) because I needed to go pick up something Friday night with my neighbor's truck, so therefore everything I had intended to do Friday night now was put off 'til Sat., I had plans Sat. evening, and then Sunday was time I spent with my dad.  I also hadn't called him prior to this b/c life was just crazy in my house with the boys & trying to get everything worked out for the weekend.  Not that I owed him explanations at all.  My business is my own.  But I was trying to be up front & honest.  Anyway, haven't heard anything from him.  I think that's best.

Truthfully, I like to let them "end" it in their own mind.  That way they won't come back & bug me!  Ever see the movie "10 Ways to Lose a Guy"?  Doesn't take much!  LOL!

The entertainment continues....