Wednesday, April 27, 2011


I find myself asking God....if it's your will, Lord (AND PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE!), that I remain single....then why on earth did you create within me this deep-seeded desire to have a loving, caring, giving, sharing relationship with the man you created for me?  Why did you create me to be this way, to feel this way if it's going to go unfulfilled?  That part of me feels so what?  What?  What is this that I feel?  I seek Your face constantly, Lord.  I ask for You to light my path (which, admittedly, I stray from from time to time).  I try to live according to Your will.  I'm not searching, but just keeping my eyes open & not ignoring chances to reach out to others. I feel as though part of me is shriveling up & dying?  I'm not having a pity party here, Father.  I'm forever grateful for the blessings I have.  I am!  And I'm taking care of those things.  But there just feels within me, deep within me, that something is so incredibly MISSING.  And the bewilderment I experience is overpowering along with that.  You truly confound me.  I don't even hope to ever understand why I'm living all this.  I'm sick & tired of learning experiences.  I just don't want to face this life alone, Lord.  Can you help me out here, Lord?  Can you just squelch this desire?  Oh, ok, yeah, just hose it down 'til it's like a drowned rat would be pretty cool!  I can ignore it 'til the cows come home.  But it doesn't change the fact that it's there.  That it still feels empty!  Ya know what worries me most, Lord?  That if, IF, IF, IF you ever bring the man of my dreams into my life, I'm going to have shut down so much that I won't even recognize it.  Because I just feel that coming....deep inside. And the truth?  I don't like feeling this way.  Today's one of those days that I'm clinging to Jeremiah 29:11.  So, I'll just go out & work in the yard again this afternoon....grumble, grumble....alone...grumble, grumble...

but Lord?

thank you!  Thank you that I have a yard to go out & work in when there are so many in this world who don't have one, or who only wish that they physically could, but can't.

I'm blessed, Lord.  I know it.  Forgive my ranting, whoa is me.  But .... just turn that hose my way, would ya?

I love you!


  1. Hi Merana,

    I believe God can handle our frustrations, disappointments, and sorrows. I find it encouraging that God Himself recognized that in creation there was not anything suitable for Adam until He created Eve.

    Perhaps He heard these same words from Adam, "why on earth did you create within me this deep-seeded desire to have a loving, caring, giving, sharing relationship"

    When I think about it, what intelligent thinking man wouldn't want a loving, caring, giving, sharing relationship?

    I think that having that passion to love someone so deeply only confirms that God wants you prepared for pairing.

    I've had days when I've confessed to God, "This is more than I can bear!" Days when I couldn't summon up any words to say except, "You know my thoughts Lord."

    At times, I may get discouraged, but I'm not giving up on God.

    I've been reading Romans 8:28 the past two weeks; just trying to make sense of what Paul is saying.

    "God is working all things together for good..." God is working even when we are incapable of seeing it Merana.

    Keep pouring out your heart to the Lord, Merana; trust Him to do what you cannot.

    Blessings and peace.


  2. Merana-The Lord hears your desires and your tears. I live in your shoes. I too have had the very same conversations with Him.

    Wondering....asking....pleading.....confused why it has not happened on my timetable. He knows you are grateful for what He has blessed you with. I understand that feeling, of wanting to recognize all the beautiful things He's brought into your world.....but Lord....there's just this one more thing you know? Sometimes I feel ungrateful if I dwell on what's missing.

    You won't shut down, I promise. You will maintain an open heart for the partner He has for you. I say this because the ones who I've seen shut down, are the ones who already shut down from the start. Meaning, after divorce they don't even so much as want to entertain dating. They talk negative about "All men this and that...." Sadly I know several women like this. They have so much to offer if they opened up to the possibility that there are good men out there.

    The person's comment above is very on target. A very good comment indeed. email me sometime and we can talk more about this.....and I'll give you my number and we could talk. I'd like that.
    Take care and God Bless you sweet friend!

  3. I am fairly sure I have written/cried/thought/said all this in strikingly almost exactly the same way over the years.

    I just keep trying to remember that His plans are not to harm me so if it is in His plan for me to be single then there is hope and a purposeful future in that.

    But I do understand what you mean about the shutting down thing.

    A new follower and I am praying for you.


  4. I could have written this post. Ha! God is teaching me that He is, and desires to be, the Lover of my soul. Sometimes, I want so much more. I want my sons to have so much more. I mean, my ex-husband remarried, why can't I?

    But then....God reminds me that He's still God and still in control :)