I find myself asking God....if it's your will, Lord (AND PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE!), that I remain single....then why on earth did you create within me this deep-seeded desire to have a loving, caring, giving, sharing relationship with the man you created for me? Why did you create me to be this way, to feel this way if it's going to go unfulfilled? That part of me feels so empty....so....unaccomplished...so...restless....so....so.....so.....so what? What? What is this that I feel? I seek Your face constantly, Lord. I ask for You to light my path (which, admittedly, I stray from from time to time). I try to live according to Your will. I'm not searching, but just keeping my eyes open & not ignoring chances to reach out to others. So....why....do I feel as though part of me is shriveling up & dying? I'm not having a pity party here, Father. I'm forever grateful for the blessings I have. I am! And I'm taking care of those things. But there just feels within me, deep within me, that something is so incredibly MISSING. And the bewilderment I experience is overpowering along with that. You truly confound me. I don't even hope to ever understand why I'm living all this. I'm sick & tired of learning experiences. I just don't want to face this life alone, Lord. Can you help me out here, Lord? Can you just squelch this desire? Oh, ok, yeah, just hose it down 'til it's like a drowned rat would be pretty cool! I can ignore it 'til the cows come home. But it doesn't change the fact that it's there. That it still feels empty! Ya know what worries me most, Lord? That if, IF, IF, IF you ever bring the man of my dreams into my life, I'm going to have shut down so much that I won't even recognize it. Because I just feel that coming....deep inside. And the truth? I don't like feeling this way. Today's one of those days that I'm clinging to Jeremiah 29:11. So, I'll just go out & work in the yard again this afternoon....grumble, grumble....alone...grumble, grumble...
thank you! Thank you that I have a yard to go out & work in when there are so many in this world who don't have one, or who only wish that they physically could, but can't.
I'm blessed, Lord. I know it. Forgive my ranting, whoa is me. But .... just turn that hose my way, would ya?
I love you!