Wednesday, April 27, 2011


I find myself asking God....if it's your will, Lord (AND PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE!), that I remain single....then why on earth did you create within me this deep-seeded desire to have a loving, caring, giving, sharing relationship with the man you created for me?  Why did you create me to be this way, to feel this way if it's going to go unfulfilled?  That part of me feels so what?  What?  What is this that I feel?  I seek Your face constantly, Lord.  I ask for You to light my path (which, admittedly, I stray from from time to time).  I try to live according to Your will.  I'm not searching, but just keeping my eyes open & not ignoring chances to reach out to others. I feel as though part of me is shriveling up & dying?  I'm not having a pity party here, Father.  I'm forever grateful for the blessings I have.  I am!  And I'm taking care of those things.  But there just feels within me, deep within me, that something is so incredibly MISSING.  And the bewilderment I experience is overpowering along with that.  You truly confound me.  I don't even hope to ever understand why I'm living all this.  I'm sick & tired of learning experiences.  I just don't want to face this life alone, Lord.  Can you help me out here, Lord?  Can you just squelch this desire?  Oh, ok, yeah, just hose it down 'til it's like a drowned rat would be pretty cool!  I can ignore it 'til the cows come home.  But it doesn't change the fact that it's there.  That it still feels empty!  Ya know what worries me most, Lord?  That if, IF, IF, IF you ever bring the man of my dreams into my life, I'm going to have shut down so much that I won't even recognize it.  Because I just feel that coming....deep inside. And the truth?  I don't like feeling this way.  Today's one of those days that I'm clinging to Jeremiah 29:11.  So, I'll just go out & work in the yard again this afternoon....grumble, grumble....alone...grumble, grumble...

but Lord?

thank you!  Thank you that I have a yard to go out & work in when there are so many in this world who don't have one, or who only wish that they physically could, but can't.

I'm blessed, Lord.  I know it.  Forgive my ranting, whoa is me.  But .... just turn that hose my way, would ya?

I love you!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Waiting.....with hope (like the name of my blog)

I'm learning so incredibly much about myself in this waiting period.  I read recently on two new blogging buddies' posts about waiting.  You'll find one here , read "When promise seems lost and you're sick of waiting".  What struck me most in this is "Waiting stretches faith and tests our human condition." and "Unable to see the path before us, because if we saw then trust would be irrelevant" followed by "How do we follow promist to it's appointed time?" 

And the other here read "When God Is Silent".  What got me here was, "nothing prepares us for His silence" and especially Edith Hamilton's quote: "Faith is not faith until it's all you're holding onto."

We rush to try to make or create love because our hearts are lonely and we long to be held and loved and cherished.  When we don't get the right person, or even a decent person for that matter, do we settle for less; do we lower our standards; or worse yet, do we then compromise our values, our principles, our beliefs, or our "selves" in order to please someone else to find us appealing and lovable?  The problem with that is that we become someone other than who we really are.  We suppress our true self.  If we do this, we then become who the other person wants us to be...what they are looking for. 

I don't know about you, but if someone can't, doesn't, or won't love me and accept me for "me", the true me, they don't deserve me.  Cause I'm pretty dang special!  I view myself as a wonderfully intriguing, beautifully wrapped gift that God has placed on the highest shelf.  Only the man who is interested, intrigued, curious enough will do the work to delicately take the box off the shelf and gingerly, patiently unwrap it with awestruck wonder.  He will peel away all the layers; those defensive wall that have built up from years of hurt (that, admittedly, I've tried to break down with God's help...but hey....I am human!)

I'm holding out for that man.  The one who wants to discover the facets of who God created this creature, Merana, to be.  And that takes time....careful, prayerful consideration.  Not tear open the package & say "Well, looky here what I found."

We are a treasure....each of us....brought forth by the Master creator!  It's time to start thinking of ourselves as such!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

here''s a couple

Men can be so incredibly transparent.  Well....I suppose we all can be, huh?  

So, let me introduce "Clark".  Got a lovely e-mail from him telling me about himself...more than is disclosed in his profile.  Seems he has experienced a lot of loss in his life:  parents at a young age, the uncle that raised him died when he was 27, and his wife died 6 years ago.  He's lived in the US for awhile & transferred local to me from TX.  I e-mailed back that I was sorry he's experienced all that loss, and inquired about him living here in the US from Ireland, etc., etc.  Ya know, pleasant conversation to get to know him.  His reply back, "Please let me know if you have yahoo messenger."  That was it!  I replied back that I only have it on my home computer, which I rarely use.  His response:  "What is your screen name and the best time we can chat? Please do not forget to send me some pictures of yourself."  Ok, so after the ensuing laughter & rolling of the eyes, I realize this is a P-L-A-Y-E-R!  Do not forget to send me some pictures?  Hello?  Look at my profile!  That's all you'll ever be seeing of this girl!  Idiot!

Before that we have "Keebler".  We've been talking for over a month now.  We were supposed to meet a few weeks ago, but he woke up sick that day.  Of course, I didn't quite appreciate that he waited 'til 3 hours before we were suppose to meet to call it off, but gave him the benefit of the doubt.  Then about 1.5 wks ago, as we're talking, it became apparent that he had issues with his mother.  Then later in the conversation it was obvious he has issues with one of his sisters too.  And let's not forget to mention issues with his ex-wife.  In short, it was obvious ....he's just got issues!  Then he called to see if we were still going to meet this past weekend.  I told him I had to beg off this time (remember, he begged off the previous time!) because I needed to go pick up something Friday night with my neighbor's truck, so therefore everything I had intended to do Friday night now was put off 'til Sat., I had plans Sat. evening, and then Sunday was time I spent with my dad.  I also hadn't called him prior to this b/c life was just crazy in my house with the boys & trying to get everything worked out for the weekend.  Not that I owed him explanations at all.  My business is my own.  But I was trying to be up front & honest.  Anyway, haven't heard anything from him.  I think that's best.

Truthfully, I like to let them "end" it in their own mind.  That way they won't come back & bug me!  Ever see the movie "10 Ways to Lose a Guy"?  Doesn't take much!  LOL!

The entertainment continues....

Thursday, March 24, 2011

#3 - Mr. Baseball

Ok, so this one was unconventional in that I found him on Facebook.  He was a new fan on our minor league baseball team's page & I thought he was attractive.  Looked at his pictures (he doesn't have his privacy settings set too stringent) & never saw a woman or a wedding band, so I sent him an e-mail.  Now, my privacy settings are all set to "friends only" so I knew that other than my name & pix, he couldn't see anything about me.  So, I just commented that I thought he was attractive & it was nice to see that he liked our team too, then said if he was single maybe we could meet at a game sometime.  Kept it very casual.

Get a flirty e-mail back, "why do we have to wait for opening day?"  I laughed.  So we e-mailed for a bit, then exchanged #'s.  So....turns out that he "moved in with his mom because she's getting older & needs some help".  Commendable, right?  Well.....

A conversation or two later, it's revealed that his mom travels a lot.  Ummm....."she's getting older & needs some help"?????  Doesn't sound like it.  RED FLAG! 

Then later in the conversation we got to talking about our divorces....ya know...."how long have you been divorced, etc."  Well...... "I'm not actually divorced yet.  There's been issues that have kept that from happening."  Ok, so NOT divorced & lives with mommy at 48????  Can anyone say "issues"?

Remember that song "Time for Me to Fly" by REO Speedwagon?  My theme song here at this point.  I got off that call pretty quickly.  Emailed him the 2 days later that I did not feel comfortable communicating with him since he really wasn't single.  He said "I'm really sorry you feel that way, but I respect your wishes." 

Yikes!  Next story to follow soon, I'm sure!

Monday, March 21, 2011

#2 - Ummmm.....really?

Ok, so I have this other experience.  We'll call him "Rich".  Now Rich, he's one that took some work to try to even get to know.  He's SOOOO busy.  Starts off communicating wonderfully.  Well....sorta.  I simply e-mailed him to tell him I thought he had a wonderful smile, even though he was looking for someone younger than me & shorter than me (he's 3" shorter than I am).  I never figured in a million years he'd want to meet.  No offense, but I've yet to encounter a man who even remotely wants to get to know someone taller than him.  Well, Rich was THRILLED with the idea & went on & on about how "sexy" the idea was.  First clue as to how he was going to be.  "Sexy"....seriously?  Ok, so give the benefit of the doubt.

So, one evening I'm talking with him & he clearly demonstrated behavior I didn't particularly care for.  #1 - he was irritated that I was cooking dinner while talking & when I said, "I can multitask", he actually had the nerve to say "no you can't" & then even went so far as to tell me that I don't listen well then & couldn't even tell him correctly what he said in a previous conversation."  Ok, so after I picked my mouth up off the floor & checked my "who the heck do you think you are" attitiude, I told him, pretty much verbatim, what he had previously said.  So, take that & shut up already!  Then I asked him "how is it that you think that you have time to try to get to know anyone, much less form a relationship, with the hours you work & how unapproachable you are to having conversations?" (basically you can only talk to him when it's good for him....."reads: while he's driving home")  So he says, "Look!  I'll tell you like I told my ex-wife, if you can't deal with the hours that I work & all the money I provide for you so you can have nice things and take the vacations you want, then you're not the girl for me."  So, when he got finished with that tirade, I calmly asked, "so when are you going to answer the question & not tell me what you told your ex-wife, but what you'd do now?"  That irritated him.  (Made me laugh!)  So, he rephrased it to basically say the same thing in the present tense, instead of past tense.  Ok....I already know you're not the man for me so it doesn't even matter if you think I'm the girl for you.

So, we originally had planned to meet on Friday, March 11 at a sports bar for a drink & get to know each other better.  I didn't hear from him for several days prior to that, even after I'd left a message & a text.  So, I figured "ok, he must not be interested anymore.  No big deal."  Then at 3:30p that day I get a text "are we still on?"  LOL!  I wasn't going to go since I hadn't heard from him for days & quite frankly, b/c he seemed like a jerk, but I thought "what the heck. I'm in the mood for a cocktail & a little time outta the house.  Why not."  Again, decided to give him the benefit of the doubt....maybe he's just not a phone person, and his ex-wife's daughters always want to spend their time off from college with him, and not their own mother so maybe he's worth trying to get to know.


Granted, he was VERY good looking, and had a killer smile, but man....what a jerk!  Even worse than on the phone!  Immediately upon sitting down at the table, he starts texting someone ( perhaps!?! LOL!)  Then he just HAD to watch a certain basketball game on a certain screen in the bar & kept after the waitress until the manager got it on the screen he wanted.  I was like, "Seriously?  Why don't you just switch seats?"  Hello????  Now from my seat I'm watching the devastation that happened with the tsunami in Japan that day & commented on that.  He gives it a cursory glance & then comments on what a great shot that was that some player just made.  Good grief, have you no compassion, man?!  When he asked me, "So, tell me about yourself, other than you lose your temper easily."  REALLY, you want to start out a conversation like that?  I just laughed & said, "No I don't!" to which he replied, "Uh, do!"  WHERE'S THAT DANG BEER ALREADY WAITRESS!!!!!  Then I could tell he wasn't paying a bit of attention to me, so in the middle of my sentence I said, "so I just put on a red wig, clown nose & big shoes & went out for the night."  Surprised me, he caught it!  (I'll admit when I'm busted!)

Well, we stayed long enough for 2 beers & an appetizer & the conversation really was going nowhere.  Oh wait, he did compliment my purse.  I jokingly said, "You'll never guess how much it cost." & he replied, "$100?"  Why wasn't I surprised?  When I said no, he kept guessing higher & higher.  I'm like, "Um no, try $5!"  Yeah!  We are as different as night & day, folks.  I don't think I'd spend $100 on a purse if my life depended on it & it seems to be his norm....thus, why I call him "Rich".

Well, Richie boy tried everything in the book to get me to go home with him: "We'll just watch a movie", "we'll just hang out", etc., etc.  He did NOT like that I said "No.  I don't know you at all to go somewhere alone with you."  His profile said he was looking for a relationship & not just one night stands.  Uh-huh!  Maybe you can find that sweet thing & fool her, but not me.

Lord, I always pray that you'll reveal the true essence of someone's character to me up front.  Thank you for putting in me the heart to give people the benefit of the doubt, but then for giving me the smarts to see past the REALLY good looks to the person's heart....and see what isn't there....and showing me the value of a person. Sure saves a lot of heartache & disappointment if I actually LISTEN!

Oh...and Rich.....haven't heard a word from him since that nite.  SHOCKER!  LOL!!!  The trevails of "dating" in the Internet age!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

(#1) We'll call him...Fitch

Ok, I have to admit, I met one guy from a free dating website before joining Match.  We got along great on the phone.  Fellow Christian.  Nice guy.  Polite.  Didn't cuss.  Didn't use the Lord's name in vain.  Respectful (that's #1 in my book, period!).  We had the big "meet".  Although I don't do coffee shops anymore, it's too "done", if you know what I mean, we did meet at a great one that I love.  Then we went to a sports bar to watch a football game.  It was a fun time.  But, there was no attraction.  That's ok. 

Here comes the fun part!

He proceeds to call me later that night in a bit of snit wanting to know if I'm one of those who expects him to pay, eats, and runs, with never a word.  Ok, so defenses up majorly at this point.  I said, "No!  I offered to pay my half, remember?!"  So then he backs down.

Then 2 days later he proceeds to tell me that I'm not his type because I enjoyed watching the game, and he didn't.  Yeah, ok, fine.  Seriously?  Then the real clincher came.  "I really can't see me with you because you don't like to wear stalkings and dresses." 

Ummm.....WHAT!?!  I'm serious as can be folks!

No worries.  The attraction just wasn't there for me either.  So, we decided to stay in touch as friends.  Carrying on a conversation with him was challenging, at best, by now simply because he's like a ping-pong ball all over the place.

So, he meets someone else & they start dating.  And, of course, now being only his friend, he tells me all about it.  No problem.

The big issue came a few weeks later when another game was on.  He texted me throughout the game (I had my kids that w/e).  He went from "I don't even care about the game."  "I don't care who wins."  "Who's even playing?" to "I'm at Ruby Tuesdays watching the game." and proceeded to cheer for the other team, quite voraciously.  I started getting tons of texts at that point about the other team's greatness.  I said, "I take it that (this new woman he was dating) is cheering for the other team?" Answer: "Yes. But that's not why I'm cheering for them."  Uh-huh!  That's EXACTLY why, my friends.  Just like he'd done cheering for my team when we went out.  No biggie.  I didn't care.  Really, seriously, I didn't.  I told him, "My whole family & most all my friends are cheering for the other team."  It's NO BIG DEAL.  Heck, my brother was even texting me & giving me grief.  I can take it. 

So then Fitch goes so far as to say....get this, are you ready???  "I've been telling you for weeks that I didn't want your team to win." you didn't....NEVER....not once!!!  Then, "I've been wanting the other team {that would be my team, here, folks} to be humbled."  And then(!), "I've been praying your team would lose!"  Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!  At this point I lost it laughing.  Ok, so in the course of 3 hours he went from "who's playing, I don't care about the game" to "I've been praying your team would lose so they can be humbled" oh yeah, and all this after he'd been (in his mind, at least) telling me he wanted my team to lose for weeks. 

So, I didn't communicate with him for a couple of days simply because he'd fried my brain at that point.  He just couldn't believe I would stop being friends over a football game. 

I finally got in touch with him to tell him that I just can't be around someone who can't make a decision & stand by it.  He's like a dang fish out of water floppin' around on the dock gasping for air.  Not me.  Be decisive.  Don't change your story every so often to fit the moment.  How is anything out of  your mouth something I can believe is real and not in the moment?  Truth is, I can't.

Ok, there's the first one.  More to follow!


Let me start by saying that I am NOT here to man-bash at all.  And I'm not remotely going to claim that I don't make mistakes.  I do!

My purpose in this blog is to chronicle the experiences I have with Internet dating.  And let me add that the reason I do Internet dating is simply because for all intents & purposes, I work alone, or with one other person.  The churches I've attended do not have singles.  There are no singles groups in my area, other than for the much younger crowd...and the senior crowd.  No, there's no single dad's in Scouts.  Haven't met one yet through sports.  Don't have any friends who have single friends.  ........

Are ya getting the gist here?  Unless God plans to drop one out of the sky (and I'm not saying He can't or won't), I'm finding it hard to meet men.  Heck, I'd like to get in touch with other single ladies just to have friends to do stuff with!  So....unless I plan to spend all my time alone (when not with my kids), I have to do something, right?  There's only so much stuff around the house & so much Netflix I can do before I need interaction with others.  Know what I mean?

History:  I took 14 mos. off of dating after having a bad experience (admittedly my own fault...should have listened to the 'ol gut!).  And God has given me tremendous clarity, character strength, and integrity in that waiting period.  And He's blessed me tremendously in that time too!

Ok, forward.  I decided to join with a whole different perspective.  Instead of doing it from the perspective of trying to find a relationship, I'm doing it from the perspective of just having something to do - communicate with men, perhaps go out from time to time, and see just how much I've learned/grown in the past 14 mos.  I figure it's an "entertainment expense".  So, I spent $120 for 6 months membership.  That's the special version that gets you all the bells & whistles.  Now the caveat with them is you can't hide your profile, (something else, which escapes me right now), and you have to send at least 5 e-mails out a month.  Yeah, ok....I can do that.  Now they are SOOOOO sure of their abilities to match you up with "someone special" that they guarantee if you haven't met that person within this 6 months, and you've done the things they want you to do, they will give you another 6 mos. for free.  Ok, what the heck!

Now, the interesting stuff has begun.  And it's been entertaining to say the least.  But, it felt such a waste to keep it all to myself.  Hence, the birth of this blog.  Hey, why keep all this fun in the shark (err, umm....I mean "dating") pool to myself or a few select friends/family?  Why not share it with the world? 

So, this is what ya get, folks.  I will not fabricate any of it.  I have to answer to God for speaking the truth here.  Of course, you may say, "Yeah, but why not create some fictional stories?"  I may in time via another means.  But for the purposes of this blog, I will tell only what REALLY happens.  Fair enough?

And let me add, for the record, that no one ever gets to meet my kids unless it is a solid relationship.  I'm not about to parade men into their lives only to have them leave just as quickly.  It's one thing for someone to walk out of my life.  I can handle the hurt.  But there is no way I'm ever going to expose my children to that.  Of course, I realize there's no guarantee that any relationship will work (my divorces speak volumes to that fact!), but I plan to minimize any impact on my kids.

Let the games begin!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Just gettin' started

Ok peeps, just getting started on the trials & tribulations of attempting Godly dating in the sin-soaked world.  Stay tuned for some really amusing (and sadly, disappointing) stuff! 

I went through several years of Internet dating to discover what a sad, sad world we live in.  People treat others as totally disposable.  "Next!" they cry.  It's ridiculous!

More to follow.